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JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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Goatse.AJ

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Post Thu May 04, 2017 11:47 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Thu May 04, 2017 11:48 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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Post Thu May 04, 2017 11:49 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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Post Fri May 05, 2017 10:20 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here."

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."

So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."

So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim.'

"Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave, She had a great BIG fuckin dick ......... Dave, ..... I CAN'T FUCKING SWIM :finger:
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sun May 07, 2017 5:52 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A GROUP of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first year. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk in class. “You need to use ‘big-people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. “I went to visit Nana,” Wendy said.
“No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big-people words!” the teacher instructed. She then asked Joey what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Joey replied.
“No, you took a ride on a train,” the teacher corrected him. “Use big-people words.” She then asked Eddie what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said: “Which book did you read?”
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with pride and said, “Winnie the Shit!”...
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon May 08, 2017 7:59 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A DAD asks his ten-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” says the child. His dad asks why, and the boy sobs, “When I was six, you told me there’s no Easter bunny. When I was seven, you told me there’s no tooth fairy. When I was eight, you told me there’s no Santa. If you tell me grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for!”.....
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Post Wed May 17, 2017 7:27 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very
strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.

He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma." !!
slugs are just snails that sold their belongings for drug money

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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon May 22, 2017 10:27 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor"....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Tue May 23, 2017 8:16 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"...
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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GUtripper

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Post Wed May 24, 2017 11:13 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Goatse.AJ wrote:A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"...


Believe me, rubbing it on the box is NOT as good as putting it in. :rofl:
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Wed May 31, 2017 8:29 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

3 men were captured by cannibals and told their penis' would be removed in a way appropriate to their job!.

1st man was a lumberjack, his would be chopped off..

2nd was a butcher, so it was sliced off..

3rd man started laughing, the savages asked "why are you laughing?", he replied ....."i work in a lollipop factory"...
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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GUtripper

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Post Fri Jun 02, 2017 4:28 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly.
On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Troubles at home?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That's not too bad is it?"
The man said, "The month is up today!"


A man believed to be this country's biggest handler of stolen goods has been killed in an accident.
He fell off the back of a truck.


When I was younger I was scared of earwigs because I thought they actually lived in your ears. I was even more terrified of cockroaches.
* * * * * * *
Being told you “really are one in a million” is nice. Unless of course it’s a diagnosis.
* * * * * * *
I drove my daughter’s guinea pig to the vet’s this morning. (I’m really quite pleased with these new golf clubs).
* * * * * * *
I told my brother I wanted Old Spice for my birthday. Imagine my horror when I got home and saw Geri Haliwell lying naked on the couch.
* * * * * * *
A mate had a one night stand once that went horribly wrong. They’ve been married for 30 years.
* * * * * * *
I once went to a pub quiz in Glasgow. First question was “What the f*ck are you looking at?”


A bloke applies for a job in a blacksmiths.
The blacksmith asks him if he had any experience in shoeing horses.
Bloke says "no but I once told a donkey to eff off.
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Jun 10, 2017 8:48 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A MORTICIAN was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”.....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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DamTriton

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Post Tue Jun 13, 2017 3:59 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

JOKE OF THE DAY:
A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and say “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”
“But that’s not true,” says the consultants, “I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets.”
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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Post Sat Jun 24, 2017 2:49 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

"I have not got OCD, I have CDO - in alphabetical order of course."
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon Jun 26, 2017 10:06 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d buy you one, but the mortgage on the house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase and asked where he was going. “I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be fucked if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sun Jul 16, 2017 2:43 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A PRIMARY school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. The engines explode and plane starts going down.
The teacher says, “Save the children!”
The lawyer yells, “FUCK THE CHILDREN!”
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, “Is there time?”....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Foo on patrol

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Post Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:27 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

:shock:

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GUtripper

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Post Fri Jul 21, 2017 2:05 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Not three apparently, my basement is still dark......
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:59 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

GUtripper wrote:How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Not three apparently, my basement is still dark......


LOL!

http://thesciencepost.com/anti-vaccers-petition-to-have-mercury-removed-from-solar-system/
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:59 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

GUtripper wrote:How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Not three apparently, my basement is still dark......


LOL!

Image

http://thesciencepost.com/anti-vaccers-petition-to-have-mercury-removed-from-solar-system/
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DamTriton

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Post Sun Aug 06, 2017 11:55 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Goatse.AJ wrote:
GUtripper wrote:How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Not three apparently, my basement is still dark......


LOL!

Image

http://thesciencepost.com/anti-vaccers-petition-to-have-mercury-removed-from-solar-system/


Next we'll have the greenies trying to remove Uranus and Pluto from the solar system, just in case we get invadaed by radioactive Plutoniums and Uraniums.
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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Post Sun Aug 20, 2017 9:42 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A man walks in a bar , and sees that there is a bucket of money above the bar and there is a sign on it that reads chance to win. The man ask the bartender how? The bartender says you have to do three things , 1 drink a four foot bottle of whiskey in 5 mins, 2 there is a 250lb pitbull in the back, and he has a bad tooth that you need to extract, 3 there is a retired 102 year old nun upstairs that's never been laid , and you have to make sure she has an orgasm .if you do all three the money is yours ....So the man starts drinking the whiskey , and finishes at 4:58 , then go's to the back , and you hear walls banging , dog yelping and screaming, then the man walks back into the bar and says to the bartender....Ok, where is this nun with the bad tooth?
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DamTriton

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Post Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:23 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

stilivn wrote:A man walks in a bar , and sees that there is a bucket of money above the bar and there is a sign on it that reads chance to win. The man ask the bartender how? The bartender says you have to do three things , 1 drink a four foot bottle of whiskey in 5 mins, 2 there is a 250lb pitbull in the back, and he has a bad tooth that you need to extract, 3 there is a retired 102 year old nun upstairs that's never been laid , and you have to make sure she has an orgasm .if you do all three the money is yours ....So the man starts drinking the whiskey , and finishes at 4:58 , then go's to the back , and you hear walls banging , dog yelping and screaming, then the man walks back into the bar and says to the bartender....Ok, where is this nun with the bad tooth?


"Should've gone to National Hearing..."

(with apologies to Specsavers)
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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stilivn

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Post Tue Aug 22, 2017 3:25 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

DamTriton wrote:
stilivn wrote:A man walks in a bar , and sees that there is a bucket of money above the bar and there is a sign on it that reads chance to win. The man ask the bartender how? The bartender says you have to do three things , 1 drink a four foot bottle of whiskey in 5 mins, 2 there is a 250lb pitbull in the back, and he has a bad tooth that you need to extract, 3 there is a retired 102 year old nun upstairs that's never been laid , and you have to make sure she has an orgasm .if you do all three the money is yours ....So the man starts drinking the whiskey , and finishes at 4:58 , then go's to the back , and you hear walls banging , dog yelping and screaming, then the man walks back into the bar and says to the bartender....Ok, where is this nun with the bad tooth?


"Should've gone to National Hearing..."

(with apologies to Specsavers)

Think it had more to do with the 4 foot bottle of whiskey
1993 80 series, 4" tough dog adjustable bb lift kit, LPG, 35" MTR'S

brooksy wrote:Branden Tagg.....He is the King of all f@rkups & a Gimps bitch after hours
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Tue Oct 10, 2017 2:51 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered, "We will land at night".

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Canberra, Sarah Hansen-Young (SHY) and her fellow travellers were watching the news conference. When SHE heard what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there's no sun at night."

SHE and her fellow travellers then broke into thunderous applause.
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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nabstud

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Post Fri Oct 13, 2017 12:22 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

What do you call a woman that can't make sandwiches?

Single.
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